Gue sedang dalam fase yang namanya 'need some amusement'. Gue pernah bilang bahagia gue itu sangat sederhana. Cukup nonton series/movie, denger instrumental atau baca buku. Sialnya belakangan ini sesuatu yang sebetulnya sederhana ini jadi nggak sederhana lagi. Susaaaaaaah banget untuk gue 'menyelamkan diri' ke dalam sebuah cerita, jangankan menyelam, terhanyut aja macem susah banget. Padahal deretan drama dan film yang kata orang-orang bagus dan buku-buku best seller udah teriak-teriak butuh sentuhan tapi apalah daya jika hati enggan tergerak. Padahal dulu gue nonton segala jenis film masuk, baca segala jenis buku dari yang garing sampe yang super keren khatam. Sekarang? Nope. Nggak ada yang bisa menarik perhatian gue.

Dari sekian banyak film yang gue tonton tahun ini, hanya Little Forest yang bisa memenuhi ekspektasi gue. Dari sekian banyak drama korea bertebaran dengan rating super tinggi, hanya My Wife is Having an Affair this Week nya JTBC yang tayang tahun lalu yang berhasil membuat gue puas dengan ceritanya. Buku? Gue telah sepenuhnya beralih dari fiksi ke poetry, gue telah berpaling dari Windry Ramadhina ke Amanda Margareth saking frustasinya nggak bisa nemu cerita yang gue pengenin. 

So, this is several things what I've been looking for in a story..

a happy ending doesn't exist.

Gue sharing ini karena gue pernah membuat fiksi dimana tokohnya tidak berakhir bersama. 

Teman-teman pembaca wattpad menyebut gue "such a cruel writer" hanya karena gue menulis "unbelievable-cruel-tragic story". Mereka ingin gue bertanggung jawab karena membuat dada mereka sesak gegara menangis bagai tsunami. Bahkan ada yang komen pake emoticon -_- doang saking dia keselnya kali sama gue. Ibarat gue kena boikot gitu. 

Kebanyakan dari mereka tidak bisa menerima sepenuhnya akhir cerita itu. Kebanyakan dari mereka kecewa.

Disitulah gue sadar akan sesuatu.

Tidak banyak orang yang suka cerita dengan akhir yang tidak sesuai keinginan mereka. Banyak orang yang tanpa mempertimbangkan keseluruhan ceritanya tetap mengatakan sebuah cerita buruk hanya karena berakhir tidak bahagia. Kita pasti punya ekspektasi sendiri saat menonton film atau membaca buku tapi karena ekspektasi itulah kita sering merasa kecewa. Secara psikologi bahkan bisa dijelaskan jika setiap manusia punya keinginan dasar untuk menghindari segala kesakitan. Secara natural, setiap manusia memang punya keinginan untuk tidak terluka. Human nature jika setiap orang ingin melihat dan mengalami hal-hal yang membahagiakan makanya gue nggak heran kalau banyak yang kontra sama tulisan gue itu. Gue juga seperti itu dulu. Gue selalu menginginkan akhir bahagia di semua cerita yang gue baca karena gue percaya nggak ada yang namanya kesukaran abadi. Gue percaya jika setiap pengorbanan akan membuahkan hasil karena kayaknya nggak adil aja kalau setelah melalui segala ujian ending nya tetap aja nggak bahagia.

Tapi, tidakkah itu terlalu naif? 

"Shouldn't every story end happily?

However, happiness has its own form, and in human relationships, happiness does not always mean together, right? If this is the ending of this story, I can fully accepted.

This beautifully written story doesn't have to be wrapped up with both characters ending up together and spending the rest of the life time together. It is enough to know that after years, they still hold each other deep inside their hearts. It was still a beautiful love. "

- seseorang meninggalkan komen itu di cerita gue.

That is such a major impactful comment I've get.

Kadang dari cerita yang gue buat sendiri itu, gue bisa mendapat impact yang berbeda dari reaksi pembaca. Itu kenapa gue suka menulis, to open more point of view.

The mature I had, I prefer stories that end up in an open ending nor sad. 

Why? 

Because that give us a lesson if not everything in this world goes happily. There are no fairy tale-liked stories. There is something called broken heart, there are disappointment, there are pain, and there are tears. Bahkan kenyataannya, dongeng yang gue baca waktu kecil kebanyakan juga sad ending -_- Kenyataannya akan selalu seperti itu. Hidup tidak selalu memberikan jawaban seperti apa yang dijanjikan. Jika kebahagiaan diartikan dengan kebersamaan, maka itu pasti sepaket dengan perpisahan. Akan ada hari dimana perpisahan mengakhiri kebersamaan itu. Jika tidak terpisah karena takdir Tuhan, bisa juga berakhir dengan ditinggalkan atau tergantikan. Selalu seperti itu.

Karena itu, gue mencoba menggeser prespektif gue akan deskripsi dari makna kata bahagia itu sendiri.

Happy is not always about two people are end up together.

Happy not about someone who managed to achieve his goals.

Jika pada akhirnya hidup tidak memberikan jawaban yang diinginkan, bukan berarti akhirnya layak disebut tragic ending. Hidup bukan hanya tentang Si Angel dan Evil yang harus mendapat hukuman dan apresiasi dari cara mereka hidup. Tapi tentang pelajaran apa yang mereka bawa dalam kisah mereka. Hidup tidak selalu memberikan jawaban seperti apa yang dijanjikan. Tapi tentang kebijaksanaa.

Karena gue percaya,

bahagia punya wujudnya masing-masing.

Sometimes it's better to giving up..

Sometimes it's better to letting go..

and we're here..

writing and living in this melancholic story..

Today is Saturday.

I woke up around five and the rain greeted my morning.

The sound of rain in the morning gives a soothing relaxation effect. So, don't want to miss a chance, I grab my morning coffee– the real coffee, while listening Magnolia from The Innocent Man OST. Such a perfect Saturday that led my desire to write something deep.

Yesterday, following up my social media detox program, I deactivated my personal Instagram.

A few of my friend thought me exaggerated with this and continuously asked what happened with me. Sorry for my social anxiety, actually, I am fine. I never struggle to be friendly and outgoing. I’m interested in other people, easily introduce myself with new people I encounter and I’m eager to share my thoughts and experiences with others too. I used to be very outgoing and can’t stop talking, – now still, but now I think I was selective mute as a kid. I don’t know why or how I changed exactly. Maybe that changed because I eventually not found people who were like me and whom I could be myself with. Or maybe I just had poor verbal skills and it decreases with age. I really don’t know. I had work acquaintances but no real friends. 

I like spending time alone. A lot.

But, am I a loner? 

Probably not.

I just realised that everyone is living in their own vivid live. 

But most of us do need other people– to some extent, thinking introversion as maladaptive habit, depressed or in extremely anxiety state. It isn't always like that, like me who doesn't understand why there are people who have to be accompanied to go to the bookstore, people often misinterpret solitude as loneliness too. It is mutual but not the same. Loneliness is a signal that someone need more togetherness but, Real Loners just don’t need others. 

As an introvert, a small social circle can full-fill all my needs. I don’t have a huge number of contacts but still feel socially connected. Most people use to not needing others. Most people don't like being burden-er. I am alone because I am so self-sufficient that other people just aren’t on my emotional map. I am just a happy person who’s found the right balance between solitude and togetherness. 

If you are asking, why is someone really like spending so much time alone?

It might be because she is trying to become someone new. If you find someone whose needing time away from social ties, it might mean that person entering a new phase of her life. She might be at a point in her life where she just want more space. 

But there is one thing that I aware for being alone, the Real Solitude is a "highly-risk activity". It can make me blind from ‘what happened in this world?, and turn into isolation person.